The Official Revelwood Travel Guide

DESTINATION: IRELAND

Money: Take all you can carry. Then arrange for some more after you get there. Remember they do not MAC machines as we know them. They have currency exchange stores. These are like little banks that will dry clean you while you wait. However, they are so quaint, and have such a nice European look to them that you don't really seem to notice until its too late.

The Buck to Punt rate changes daily. Unlike Jung Mei's undergarments. Pints cost about $3.00 American. Base your budget on 15 to 20 pints per day and you won't need anything else. Anything over that and someone will try to borrow from you. Always look broke. Eat in the car or in the ancient graveyard on Achill Island. It's cheaper.

Where to Sleep: Beds are your best bet. However, try to avoid the all too common Banana Bed. A Banana Bed seems like a normal resting place, and like the mattresses of Sqornshellous Zeta, they are sentient. However, unlike the mattresses of Sqornshellous Zeta, they do not have a pleasant disposition. They resent your bulky mass invading their personal space. Therefore, they will imperceptibly wrap themselves around you like a peel around the yellow fruit. In the morning, this will cause you to remove your own spine in a Predator like fashion, just to straighten it out. Banana Beds are usually found in low priced Hostels, and at Tony and Babette's house in Kenmare. It's in the second bedroom.

The car will do for sleeping, but not if you've spent most of the night listening to Irish Traditional Music. That is because listening to Irish Traditional Music night after night requires drinking copious amounts of Guinness or Whiskey and Red, and since the passenger side is on the left instead of the right, you'll likely forget and get in on the wrong side. Then you will impale yourself on the turn signal. Of course, it will clear your head, but only for a few minutes.

Dangerous Things: Perhaps the most dangerous thing about Ireland is how much Guinness they have there. No, wait, I remember, the most dangerous thing about going to Ireland is how good the Guinness tastes. No, no, wait, that's not it. Waking Q up before 2:00 p.m. (Irish time). Yeah that's it. He once cursed a French guy to death at 1:40 p.m. If the IB brings his melodica that can be pretty scary too. But not nearly as life threatening. I've seen Stonewall naked once, but that dosen't have anything to do with Ireland. I just wanted to warn you.

Food: Eating an entire Irish breakfast, which consists of: cereal, scones, two or three eggs, porridge, a rasher of bacon, a few sausages, toast with fresh dairy butter, a roasted tomato, fresh coffee with real cream, tea, and a variety of juices, can kill the weak. Also, if Q invites you to lunch with him at the Cliffs of Moher, don't go. The view is spectacular, but one false move and you're crab bait. Germans can't fly and neither can you.

Cars: Driving along any paved Irish road is dangerous. Driving along any unpaved Irish road is like playing an arcade game. As you get your rental car, to save time, simply take out the tire iron and smash your side view mirrors. You'll only lose them later anyway. If Cherron offers to drive, you might just as well go to lunch with Q at the Cliffs of Moher.